Did you know that your ancestor's belief systems, traumas, traits, are still carried within you? Ever have a belief or characteristic that's passed down through your family? Do you notice themes and patterns that are passed down from one generation to the next? These could be centered around struggles with money, patterns of abuse, the need to be small and keep safe, etc.
For most of my life I have had this inner narrative that I wasn’t enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not kind enough. Not talented or skilled enough. I never wanted to call attention to myself. I was always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Always very mindful of the words I would speak, as I feared how others would see me. I played small and hid the desires of my heart. If I chased after my dreams and failed, this was just proof of my not enoughness. It’s less vulnerable when you stay hidden. I have clung to this belief that it’s better to keep the peace, to remain invisible, and to live and show up to life in a way that others expected of me. I have carried this with me, not really knowing where it originated. No matter how much inner work I’ve done, this feeling of not being enough was my constant companion.
Within the last few months, I’ve been guided to work more with my ancestors. I didn’t realize the tremendous impact or importance of working with my ancestors was until I attended a masterclass on 100 Women of Vision. On the second day of this masterclass, there was some time where the host of this event helped a few of us clear some beliefs that were no longer serving us, or in my case weren’t mine to begin with. This belief clearing revealed to me that this story of not being enough has been passed down for generations through the women in my family. This story of not owning their authority is what kept them safe. It was okay to release this now, as it wasn’t mine to hold on to any longer. I could feel the immediate shift take place within me. I was lighter, more clear. I felt free a of burden I’ve carried with me all of my life.
I knew this wasn’t the end of the chapter. I wanted to honor the women who had come before me. I wanted to honor their struggles, their burdens, and sacrifices they made to get me here.
During the full moon on October 31, I was guided by spirit to work with these ancestors. I was asked to bring flowers as an offering, along with the four white candles.
As I opened the sacred container of this healing, I could feel the room fill up with the women of my family. I lit the candles. Not knowing what would happen beforehand, I let the words flow.
“I light this candle in honor of your beauty.”
“I light this candle in honor of your strength.”
“I light this candle in honor of your love.”
“I light this candle in honor of your suffering.”
After getting into a meditative state, I found myself in the forest, where I’m often called to do soul work. There is a group of women around me, larger than I can comprehend. This is where we have come to witness and commune with each other. My Grandma Wise steps forward, on her right my Grandma Toponce, then her mother, and her mother’s mother, and so forth. They place their arms on top of the shoulders of the women next to them, forming a circle around me.
Grandma Wise steps into the center of the circle. She sits in front of me, our knees touching. My hands are open, palms up. She places her hands on top of mine. Images of her life begin to form, like a movie screen, in my mind.
“I see you.”
“I witness you.”
“Are you ready to be healed from this?” I ask her.
I place my hand on her heart and watch as it lights up with a beautiful golden light. I feel as the warmth and love radiate through me to her. I repeat the process with my hand on her forehead. Her countenance changes. I am overwhelmed with such love and appreciation for the woman before me.
“You are free,” I tell her.
She stands and we embrace. She then stands directly behind me, and the next woman steps forward and we begin again as I witness moments of the next ancestor’s life. I witness her heartache, her doubts, her triumphs and tribulations. As the time passes I begin hearing the women around me call out the things they were ready to let go of. Fear, being unable to use their voice, being stuck in abusive relationships, religious persecution, grief, feeling invisible and so on.
As I heal these things for my ancestors, I not only heal them for myself, but for my daughter, and granddaughter, and all of the generations that come after.
As we heal the past, we heal the future.
As I closed out this healing circle, I realized how much those that have gone before me truly impact my life. The way I live my life is a testament to them.
For the women who fled their homes due to religious persecution,
For the women who were hung or burned alive because they were accused of witchcraft,
For the women who were afraid to share their gifts,
For the women who were afraid to speak and use their voice,
For the women who were afraid to tell others what they believed in,
For those women who hid and played small to keep themselves and their children safe,
For the women who came before me and made me who I am,
I live free to worship as I choose. I live boldly and out loud. I freely share my gifts with others. I use my voice even when it’s hard. I move out of my comfort zone and grow and expand in ways you only once dared to dream of.
I am safe.
I am loved.
I am ENOUGH.