Putting On A Brave Face

Often in our lives we have events that change us. Events that fundamentally change how we see and interact with our world around us. So often these events go hidden, kept secret from not only acquaintances, but from the people closest to us in our lives. These traumas that wound us to the core of our being change us on a soul level. We acquire a new set of skills that we would otherwise never have needed. 

So much pain, heartache, and suffering in the secret spaces of our mind. Crying alone in the shower or car where it feels less vulnerable because how could anyone truly understand. Where would you even begin to explain? Knowing full well that if you did, they would try to fix the unfixable. Wanting desperately to be seen, but feeling safe in the silence. 

Fighting literal life and death battles for years. Staying in fight or flight until you materialize an autoimmune disease. Your body betraying your best kept secrets. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Nightmares. 

You begin to show up differently or not at all. You become withdrawn. Anti-social. Others see it as you abandoning them. You, not caring about them. You, not showing up for them. In the midst of your hardest trials that change your behavior, how you love, and how you show up to the world, they are the ones betrayed. They are your victims without even a single, “How are you doing? How are you dealing with all that is going on in your life?”

People who once felt safe to confide in now feel like you have to perform and walk on eggshells to not offend or hurt their feelings. Can’t you see how much they are suffering because of how you’re handling the cards you’ve been dealt? 

Your phone begins to go quiet. People stop reaching out because you take days or weeks to respond. “I’m doing the very best that I can,” falls on deaf ears because to them it feels like a hollow excuse. 

What so many don’t understand is you just need someone to listen. To see you in your grief. To see and know that you are doing all you can to survive this battle and the next and the next because they always seem to come. When you begin to try and explain they take offense, they feel guilt for not knowing or feel like it’s their fault. In that moment of reaching out for support, you put that life jacket on them to soothe their emotions while you continue to drown. They feel better but you are more weighed down than ever. Waiting for the cycle to continue again. The tides of emotion seem to wash this dance continually upon the shore. 

You learn that sharing what hides in the dark places of your heart becomes too much of a burden to those around you. It’s easier to keep it all in. Pretend everything is fine while screaming on the inside SEE ME!

People need me. I am the strong one. I’m the nurturer. I’m the one that everyone turns to. The one that makes it better for everyone else. 

I nurture at the cost of myself. I nurture passed the stage of emotional burnout. I nurture at the cost of the health of my body. I nurture at the cost of my own emotions.

Who will they turn to if I fall apart? Who will help them if I break open everything I’ve kept inside? Who will keep them alive if I’m not there to help with their struggles with mental health? 

Do I fear a loss of control by letting them learn to help themselves? Do I fear the worst by not being ever present and always ready to be of service? 

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that balance of helping others while not sacrificing myself. I know it’s something I need to fight for or I will lose myself entirely.

I am ANGRY.

I am angry that I’ve had to be this strong.

I am angry that my life doesn’t feel like my own.

I am angry that I’ve had to watch my children suffer. 

I am angry that the one I’ve loved the most betrayed my trust in the most hurtful of ways.

I am angry that no one seems to care.

I am angry that know one seems to see how deeply I’ve been impacted by these events in my life. 

I am angry that I fight so hard for peace and it always seems to be pulled out from under me. 

I am angry.

I am angry.

I am TIRED.

I am tired of showing up for everyone else.

I am tired of putting on a brave face.

I am tired of making it seem like everything is fine.

I am tired of being a calming presence while trying to tame my own inner storm.

I am tired.

I am tired.

I am SAD.

I am sad that I feel so lonely.

I am sad that I feel so unseen.

I feel sad at the dreams I have had to let go of.

I am sad for the things that could have been and will never be.

I am sad at the constant struggle. 

I am sad.

I grieve.

I hurt.

I’m lost.

I’m alone while completely surrounded with loving people. 

Joy feels foreign.

Peace feels unnatural.

Yet, tomorrow I will wake up, put my brave face on and do it all again.